Random

“The desire to step out of myself for a while. A week, a day, an hour.. hell maybe just for a second”.. that was a sentence I read in a book before, and I felt very touched… I felt that I can relate t every letter the author wrote.

Hell! If I could only just step out of myself for real and see everything from another perspective, I guess I would find an answer to my weird questions.. I would find something to hold on to. I would even feel that there would be still hoping for me to see things differently and for once.. for once I would feel okay and alive one more time.

I know you won’t be able to fully understand or relate to what I’m saying or maybe you’d call me a weird person for the nonsense that is written but let me put it simply and understandably.

Imagine this with me:

We have two sides of this image the outer side that is very calm, happy, smiling, and being kind and friendly.. a side which anybody can see. A sugar coat for the inside.

On the other hand, there is the part that’s on the inside.. a side that is different than the outer side, a chained woman inside screaming her heart out. trying to escape but she can’t.. hell is on the inside, it’s a mixture. A mixture of fear, strength, weakness, pain, agony, hate, love, care.. everything and the total opposite.

Sometimes I’m tired and depressed to the extent that I’m too tired to breathe and that it’d be better if just left this world, step out of myself… other times I feel hyper and I wanna cheer the whole world up with me. and times, when I feel rage.. this uncontrollable rage that I think if I set it free and out of me, it would break the world into pieces or maybe kill people. My rage is my strength in a hulk.

Even though I wrote a bit about what’s going on with me. trying to explain and call for help.

But I guess it is not obvious. I guess that it’s all gone to waste. I feel tired and feel unloved. I feel like I am forced to live and I don’t want to.. I feel tired and no one can feel it.

This world would be a better place without me. this family would enjoy peace and happiness if I wasn’t around.. I feel tired and drained.

I feel like dying today.

-Hala Khaled Gomaa

God knows me best

All my life I have been searching for the peace of mind with my family. And all I wished for was my family’s acceptance to who I am and I did everything that I could to seek and fulfill this wish of mine.

After years of trying to do that over and over and over, I’ve realized that they don’t see me at all..as if I don’t exist and through this process, I have lost myself and my cause.

I sat with myself lately and I told myself that this is the chance for me to just pull myself away and try to save whatever is left and give all this care and love to myself since I’ll never be able to get along with them and that this would make me feel better. I have wasted energy and time for the sake of one thing while there are things that could have happened and would just get ME to the peace of mind but towards myself, with myself.

I figured that it isn’t worth it.. it never was actually because people would never change their minds for the sake of you trying to prove them wrong, and yes!, not even your family.

God knows me best and knows how much I tried.

And God loves me and accepts me the way I am which is enough for me and that everybody would just think however they wanna think.

I am done.

May God bless all the souls who are and were draining themselves trying to fit in and still no progress.

May God mend our broken hearts and give us the strength to move on with life and fulfill us with self acceptance.

-HKG

Soulmate.

People meet each other every songle day some of them are friends, some are family and some are just random people.
But some people and to be more specific a male and female, doesn’t matter how old are they, meet each other.. and catch feelings for each other and they go through every songle beautiful phase of love and let me tell you; these phases are one of the bestvyet tiring and power abusing but you know what? Totally worth the fight.
They like each other at the beginning and then they start to get attracted, get attached, like each other, love each other, and then comes next the real responsibility and the real commitment of taking a life decision whether or not the other person is good enough to spend the rest of your life with or not.
You keep asking yourself, is that person worth it? Can I even imagine my life without that person? Am I better off without them?

And here my friend, is the problem, of you choose to stay just because you got used to this, is a problem.
If you know that this person is not the one, it is a problem and if you decided to just stick around cause you’re not ready for the reality that is waiting for you and will hit you any moment, that is a problem.
Because that’s not a good way, that’s not love and that’s not care. This is called selfishness cause that person is not the one and that person is not your person.
But,
If you choose to fight that’s great it means that you’re so into that person that you’d fight for and that you are willing to stand against the world for that person no mayter how hard things could get.
You chose your life companion and you found out that this person is the one who will carry you in the hard times, sit by you, gove you advice, care for you, watch your back, number one fan, you friend, your parent, your wife, girlfriend and everything.
You chose to go through the ups and downs together and you chose to have your life with them, you chose to hve fights and make up at some point and you also chose to love the imperfections.
You chose the person who understands you and feels you without even talking, someone who believes in you.. someone who is your soul mate.

– Hala Gomaa

Will always remain you sweetest dream and your worst nightmare.

Time will pass by and you will realize how much I cared, loved and cherished you

Time will pass by and you will understand that everything that happened, happened for a reason and that you were wrong.

For now, you are just enjoying yourself by escaping the painful reality that you’ll face at some point.. You will know how it feels like when you come to the end of this roller coaster, and tell how do you feel at the end of the day when you place your head on the pillow and have your last thoughts?

Stop denying and just convince yourself that you are the cool person who doesn’t care and that you are strong and this bullshit you keep on pulling. Start with how much of an asshole you have been, start asking why the hell did i let go of a person who truly loved me and cared about me.

Think about the person who loved you and didn’t want to let go because she believed that you’d never do that to her for no reason.

But you know what? You got her wrong.

This girl is a true fighter, a pure lover, and the sweetest dream.

This girl is the best that you’ll ever think of and was your biggest fan.

This girl, whom you thought that she is weak cause she loves you, feels sad for you.

She feels sad for how you’ll feel later on, she feels sad because one day, my love, regret and loneliness will fill you up when it’s too late.

I will be your worst nightmare and your favorite dream.

so let me tell you this.. It’s time I let go, it’s time I set me free, and it’s time to start living again.

But for you my friend.. May god be with you in your darkest days and moments.

May god be by your side when no one is.

-Hala Gomaa

LIFE?

Life. What a simple yet most sophisticated four letter word.

What does it mean anyways? What does this simple word mean.

It’s everything. Literally every single thing.

Life is happiness, excitements, crying, depression; life is everything but simple. Life is having your first kiss, experiencing your body, moments, hell, heaven, tasteless, tasteful,… and if we go on and on and on we will never get enough to explain what life is.

But you know what? Life is painful in every beautiful meaning of this word.

And yes believe me pain is beautiful depends on what you went through pain could be in giving a life.. pain is in beauty even laughing.

The thing is life is nothing without the people you love, family, companion, friends, or even spouses.

Life is an idea that we have to live by and you can go through hell and back and still like it. Why? Cause you want this because you have people who care for you and got your back no matter what.

But it grabbed my attention that people are not that important because they come and go and as soon as you get over it you’re going to replace them with new ones.

I always had a hole in my life that I felt could only be filled by people, but then I would feel most alone when I was with people. The loneliness caused me to feel insignificant, unsatisfied, depressed, and at times I had thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t find any solutions, but at the same time I feel the total opposite and proud of how far I have achieved. On my own.

Life is too short and painful I know but you learn how to survive, people will come in your way, people who would help.. and people wouldn’t.. the thing is, no one is here to sleep with you in bed for the sake of you being happy but also for the sale of their needs.

For great things never last. Be the one who loves you for you and nothing else.

No boyfriend, no friends, no husband,no mother, no father, or even sisters would last or stay woth you in your all down times. 

Learn how to live and just twist it your own way cause you’re the one who is charge of your life and dreams.

No one will do.. no one will last..

None.

• Hala Gomaa

I feel.. love.

Long long time ago I was young and I thought to myself, that’s enough for you my dear, love was never for you and you were never meant to be loved or be with someone.

When I was younger, I thought to myself that I have been through pretty much pain already and that was enough and life would never be the same anymore; that sooner or later I would give up on myself and just live the days till I die.. alone.

But I grew up, I grew up and I knew that life is more than just being in pain or going through pain even from the nearest people, that love is just more than a feeling and definitely more than just being together.

I grew up and I went through a disturbed teenage stage, and I went through tough times from ups and downs to whatever comes to your mind, but it hit me in the most delicate way that I now know I grew up and still growing up. I knew life is more than just problems and situations that made me feel bad about myself, and that I am more than just me.

I grew up and I feel different, look different, talk different.

I grew up and I found out that I could love again even though I lost hope.. I still have the fear of living alone and that I’ll never have a life companion.. but I have embraced it and for now I love the moment.

I found out that love isn’t just a word, a look, a feeling, a touch or even a kiss. I found out That love is a responsibility, a life, and that it’s more than just physical feeling. It’s more of two souls fitting together.. two souls becoming one.

I feel okay being loved and to love someone.

I feel okay giving love another chance.

I feel okay having someone by my side without being paranoid.

I feel okay living and giving. 

I feel.. Love.

• Hala K. Gomaa

I cry..

I cry because of you

I cry because you let me down

I cry because you made me feel awful 

I cry

I cry because you broke my heart

I cry because you were my daughter and now you rebelled on me and made me feel like I’m nothing to you.. 

I cry because you gave me the feeling that you despise me and my existence 

I cry because you hurt me

I cry

I cry because of you my sister

I cry because I wanted to give you the world and I did, I swear I try my best everyday to see your smile, to see you happy, to make you feel good that I exist.. that you see me

I cry, I cry because I wanted you to be the best and nothing but the beat and all you wanted from me was nothing but hurting me 

I cry because you give me the attitude 

I cry because you don’t care about the way I feel or would feel when you talk to me in a bad way

My tears are streaming down my face and my heart aches and I can’t breathe

I am screaming for help on the inside as I have always been, hoping you would see me.. specially you because I thought we had a connection but no.. you give me nothing but pain and actions that kill

I cry.. I will cry forever and you will never see me because all you care about is anything and anyone but me

I cry.

• Hala K. Gomaa

Lost myself in the echos

Well, this one is a message for my soul, the soul I lost in the echos, lost in the dark.
A soul that gave everything it has for the love of family and the love of friends, the few people whom it tried to protect and love with every breath and energy it had.
This is me, I am the broken, the selfless, the ones who gave it all to protect her loved ones and the one who gave up everything for the people she cared about.
I am the one who, after losing everything I had, was left out at the end, the one people who ere supposed to be friends and family, claimed me as a harsh, selfish, and feelingless person.
I am the broken one.
I am the one who was left in tears feeling the disappointment and the let down.
I am the drained.
I am the one who doesn’t fee home when she’s home and I am the one who feels lonely in the crowd.
I am the black sheep.
I am the one who can’t feel tired just because I am seen as a strong harsh person.
I am the broken.
– Hala Gomaa

Back in the days

Back in the day, everything was beautiful, everything was just really simple and perfect for how it is.. no artificiality, just purity and simplicity and I’m not just talking about people, no, I’m talking about everything.. people, places, even moments.

Everything back then was perfect but what happened? What happened to first times and just being happy and satisfied for no reason? What happened to being satisfied with everything you have and feel blessed? What happened to your shiny world and golden moments? What happened to us people just seeing rainbows and butterflies, just the bright side to get over what bothered us..

Remember back in the day when music healed everything? Music mended broken hearts and spread joy, music made us feel like we could fly when we are actually on earth.. what happened !

Everyday we wake up in despise, we wake up hating our lives with a sigh of “Ughh, here goes another day of living hell” I think this happened because we went down, not on earth but the very bottom of the earth. We have let go of everything that made us feel happy and wanted, we have forgotten how to feel happy because we are blinded by darkness, hate and pressure. 

Nothing is ever gold anymore, nothing shines like it used to before.. we live in a world that knows nothing but cruelty anymore.. a world where every single person curses the day the came to this world to live in.. a world, where we all became heartless and selfish.. desperate for love and care and hungry for attention. 

Damn this world that made us this way. Damn the circumstances, agony, and traumas.

We need to be alive again.

– Hala Khaled.

Loneliness.. A Friend.

Loneliness.. this word used to creep me out, the idea of it used to make me feel blue because i kept wondering, how do people accept loneliness.. how can they possibly stand the feeling itself and some people said that loneliness is their comfort others said loneliness is what makes you strong and i could hardly believe that until i knew..

I knew that loneliness is the comfort after a long hard storm fighting.. i knew that loneliness is the best way to know yourself and give yourself the chance to rise and to become a better self.. i knew that loneliness is better than having so many people around you, breaking and using you and I have learned it the hard way, which kept me sizing my circle until it didn’t fit anyone, not even myself! And at this point, i felt lost

I narrowed my bubble, until I felt way better off without anyone and that I am enough.

But it doesn’t stop here, does it?

Actually this is the beginning of the endless journey of myself.. Emptiness at its finest, after a while of self-fulfillment I started feeling the hollowness and the cold emptiness inside.. it feels like cold November rain in my heart and the cold breeze of December in my bones and head.. it started eating me bit by bit in the slowest silent way possible.

That’s when I started wondering if what I did was right or wrong and if it’s wrong, would I be able to solve it or not and can I get back to normal and act like I had never left and this question brings me to the next until I feel lost wondering who to talk to or who to go to, or who will comfort me after everything that happened, or will they accept me even after I pushed away..

 I’ve changed a lot after being alone for sometime, but will they be able to understand my change and that when I needed my ‘alone time’? because I needed them.. I did, but I was too blinded by ego to ask them to stay.       I don’t know if anyone is going to comfort me anymore, I’m not even sure if I can comfort my self or not. i’ve been alone for so long. 

But I’m gonna try anyway… and guess what? I’ll over-think it, I’m gonna end up fucked up and my thoughts will eat me alive, and I’m gonna watch silently.

Cause I know I’ll end up needing someone or something that would fill this gap in, fit in the holes inside me but after giving chances and redoing what I promised myself that I won’t do again.. instead of filling the gaps and begin to create the comfort zone.. that someone brings you more emptiness and cold..

The more hollow you become.. the more you admire loneliness and appreciate it and yourself.

• Hala Khaled.

Random

There are times you feel like you’re on top of the world, other times you feel that you can’t even get off the floor, other when you feel normal, and some when you feel meaningless and ending up having existential crisis, and sometimes you feel nothing.. numb.

So, why is these random changes are always happening? that question has always been on my mind since I started growing up..

My guessing is, maybe life does that for us to learn somethings? or maybe to get stronger and know how to actually live.. but the question remains, why would life make us stronger by going through torture and unbearable pain? why would it make us stronger by  tearing us down, and brighten our future by showing us darkness? somehow I think that at the end of the day, it’s our choices that put us in this kind of situations, and basically, we’re making life to do so.

So here’s to everyone suffering out there and to myself too.. to the ones facing depression, the ones who are facing a breakdown and tired of life, and to the ones who got tired and powerless..

Those people whose opinion we cared about so much before are no longer present in our lives, rejections that were painful at the moment, have actually worked out for the best; we realize how little attention people pay for the superficial details about us and we choose not to obsess so much over them like before. that’s how you gain back your power and start over the fight from a better perspective.

Turn your pain into a tool and DRAIN IT, your trauma into power and your problems into slightly better problems and this is the real progress. this is where you begin to feel better.. this is when life treats you better and gives you the best out of it.

• Hala Khaled

Blossom and be proud of yourself.

we as humans try to prove to people, we’re bright and positive, we try to hide whatever we hold in our chests and on our shoulders because you know, look perfect and people will love you, is the thing now. they’re what matters the most, not us, not our feelings, not our lived but them and their impression towards us, it’s more of a competition to people who wins the most people.

to me, I tried this thing before, it didn’t feel right, and I have always been wondering how people live with this huge amount of lies and faking. the answer was always “nobody wants feel alone so we do that.” and the questions and wonderings remains and believe me it is overwhelming!. so, if you don’t wanna be alone get your checklist ready.. fake, check.. lies, check.. loads of makeup, check.. artificial feelings for attention and attraction, check…etc. and the list goes on and on.

honestly, I went through this before and it was perfect at the beginning but everything has an expiry date.. even friends.

life is all about phases, you get born, inhabit and learn, act, get through phases like this and that, change a lot and then you die.

everybody has loads and loads of different problems and traumas in their lives that they wish to let go of or die so they don’t want to remember.. and get through the pain all over again, so they bury it deep and act artificially to fulfill what’s lost by winning people’s admiration.

let yourselves be.. free yourselves from this prison you put yourself in because it’s eating you. Let it out, express yourself, write, play music, bring the child in you, run, scream, and live truly. go tell every person you trust and you got close to what happened, tell the people you’ve been always lying to, your truth and how you feel.

cause I know that it’s really hard to let someone in and see all the dark and twisty places you got inside, but I have also learned eventually that if you let yourself be, you would have hoped people to do the same. once you do that, you know that it’s the beginning of everything.. the beginning of your life.

keep blossoming and be proud of yourself.

 

Random

What are friends anyway if you know that eventually they’ll leave..?

When we were young we learned that friends never leave and that they got your back no matter what in good and bad in happiness and sadness..! It’s like a lifetime promise you make to each other so your bond can stay forever and ever. Friends are there to love the way you are.. the real you. Guess what? This is bullshit.. yeah all of it.

Later on you’ll learn it the hard way that no matter what you do and no matter what you give they’ll eventually leave for no good reason but that they can’t take it anymore.. they can’t deal with you anymore!

You got yourself now my friend all you’ll ever have left is yourself take good care of it cause people are temporary.. they fade away like fire matches.

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– Hala Khaled

Appreciate yourself, love

Sometimes we think we’re on top of the world because of the partner we think he is the perfect person for us not because we are good enough to feel on top of the world alone by success and effort.. by loving ourselves.

You are strong and independent, you are a lot more than you’ll ever think. Look around you clearly and see who truly loves and who doesn’t, you keep telling me that your home is stolen from you and i keep telling you you will find a better home sometimes home isn’t a partner, sometimes home is not a “male” ! Sometimes home is your beat friend, someone you trust.. maybe someone you feel free to act yourself around.

You need to believe in yourself, i know you’re shattered and broken and that there’s nothing left.. but there’s nothing wrong in collecting what’s left and try to live and hope for the best to come!

I don’t know why i love you so much or why I’m so scared of losing you, but please take good care of yourself.

You’re strong, you’re beautiful, you’re unique, you’re infinite:) !

P.S: you don’t need anyone to make you feel on top of the world, you just need to love yourself and appreciate who you are.

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– Hala Khaled

By anna bashedley

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored – this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldom out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.

This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.

She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She’s afraid to let you in because she’s afraid of what will happen if you might leave.

I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

By Anna Bashedly