Random

“The desire to step out of myself for a while. A week, a day, an hour.. hell maybe just for a second”.. that was a sentence I read in a book before, and I felt very touched… I felt that I can relate t every letter the author wrote.

Hell! If I could only just step out of myself for real and see everything from another perspective, I guess I would find an answer to my weird questions.. I would find something to hold on to. I would even feel that there would be still hoping for me to see things differently and for once.. for once I would feel okay and alive one more time.

I know you won’t be able to fully understand or relate to what I’m saying or maybe you’d call me a weird person for the nonsense that is written but let me put it simply and understandably.

Imagine this with me:

We have two sides of this image the outer side that is very calm, happy, smiling, and being kind and friendly.. a side which anybody can see. A sugar coat for the inside.

On the other hand, there is the part that’s on the inside.. a side that is different than the outer side, a chained woman inside screaming her heart out. trying to escape but she can’t.. hell is on the inside, it’s a mixture. A mixture of fear, strength, weakness, pain, agony, hate, love, care.. everything and the total opposite.

Sometimes I’m tired and depressed to the extent that I’m too tired to breathe and that it’d be better if just left this world, step out of myself… other times I feel hyper and I wanna cheer the whole world up with me. and times, when I feel rage.. this uncontrollable rage that I think if I set it free and out of me, it would break the world into pieces or maybe kill people. My rage is my strength in a hulk.

Even though I wrote a bit about what’s going on with me. trying to explain and call for help.

But I guess it is not obvious. I guess that it’s all gone to waste. I feel tired and feel unloved. I feel like I am forced to live and I don’t want to.. I feel tired and no one can feel it.

This world would be a better place without me. this family would enjoy peace and happiness if I wasn’t around.. I feel tired and drained.

I feel like dying today.

-Hala Khaled Gomaa

Loneliness.. A Friend.

Loneliness.. this word used to creep me out, the idea of it used to make me feel blue because i kept wondering, how do people accept loneliness.. how can they possibly stand the feeling itself and some people said that loneliness is their comfort others said loneliness is what makes you strong and i could hardly believe that until i knew..

I knew that loneliness is the comfort after a long hard storm fighting.. i knew that loneliness is the best way to know yourself and give yourself the chance to rise and to become a better self.. i knew that loneliness is better than having so many people around you, breaking and using you and I have learned it the hard way, which kept me sizing my circle until it didn’t fit anyone, not even myself! And at this point, i felt lost

I narrowed my bubble, until I felt way better off without anyone and that I am enough.

But it doesn’t stop here, does it?

Actually this is the beginning of the endless journey of myself.. Emptiness at its finest, after a while of self-fulfillment I started feeling the hollowness and the cold emptiness inside.. it feels like cold November rain in my heart and the cold breeze of December in my bones and head.. it started eating me bit by bit in the slowest silent way possible.

That’s when I started wondering if what I did was right or wrong and if it’s wrong, would I be able to solve it or not and can I get back to normal and act like I had never left and this question brings me to the next until I feel lost wondering who to talk to or who to go to, or who will comfort me after everything that happened, or will they accept me even after I pushed away..

 I’ve changed a lot after being alone for sometime, but will they be able to understand my change and that when I needed my ‘alone time’? because I needed them.. I did, but I was too blinded by ego to ask them to stay.       I don’t know if anyone is going to comfort me anymore, I’m not even sure if I can comfort my self or not. i’ve been alone for so long. 

But I’m gonna try anyway… and guess what? I’ll over-think it, I’m gonna end up fucked up and my thoughts will eat me alive, and I’m gonna watch silently.

Cause I know I’ll end up needing someone or something that would fill this gap in, fit in the holes inside me but after giving chances and redoing what I promised myself that I won’t do again.. instead of filling the gaps and begin to create the comfort zone.. that someone brings you more emptiness and cold..

The more hollow you become.. the more you admire loneliness and appreciate it and yourself.

• Hala Khaled.