Random

“The desire to step out of myself for a while. A week, a day, an hour.. hell maybe just for a second”.. that was a sentence I read in a book before, and I felt very touched… I felt that I can relate t every letter the author wrote.

Hell! If I could only just step out of myself for real and see everything from another perspective, I guess I would find an answer to my weird questions.. I would find something to hold on to. I would even feel that there would be still hoping for me to see things differently and for once.. for once I would feel okay and alive one more time.

I know you won’t be able to fully understand or relate to what I’m saying or maybe you’d call me a weird person for the nonsense that is written but let me put it simply and understandably.

Imagine this with me:

We have two sides of this image the outer side that is very calm, happy, smiling, and being kind and friendly.. a side which anybody can see. A sugar coat for the inside.

On the other hand, there is the part that’s on the inside.. a side that is different than the outer side, a chained woman inside screaming her heart out. trying to escape but she can’t.. hell is on the inside, it’s a mixture. A mixture of fear, strength, weakness, pain, agony, hate, love, care.. everything and the total opposite.

Sometimes I’m tired and depressed to the extent that I’m too tired to breathe and that it’d be better if just left this world, step out of myself… other times I feel hyper and I wanna cheer the whole world up with me. and times, when I feel rage.. this uncontrollable rage that I think if I set it free and out of me, it would break the world into pieces or maybe kill people. My rage is my strength in a hulk.

Even though I wrote a bit about what’s going on with me. trying to explain and call for help.

But I guess it is not obvious. I guess that it’s all gone to waste. I feel tired and feel unloved. I feel like I am forced to live and I don’t want to.. I feel tired and no one can feel it.

This world would be a better place without me. this family would enjoy peace and happiness if I wasn’t around.. I feel tired and drained.

I feel like dying today.

-Hala Khaled Gomaa

Random

There are times you feel like you’re on top of the world, other times you feel that you can’t even get off the floor, other when you feel normal, and some when you feel meaningless and ending up having existential crisis, and sometimes you feel nothing.. numb.

So, why is these random changes are always happening? that question has always been on my mind since I started growing up..

My guessing is, maybe life does that for us to learn somethings? or maybe to get stronger and know how to actually live.. but the question remains, why would life make us stronger by going through torture and unbearable pain? why would it make us stronger by  tearing us down, and brighten our future by showing us darkness? somehow I think that at the end of the day, it’s our choices that put us in this kind of situations, and basically, we’re making life to do so.

So here’s to everyone suffering out there and to myself too.. to the ones facing depression, the ones who are facing a breakdown and tired of life, and to the ones who got tired and powerless..

Those people whose opinion we cared about so much before are no longer present in our lives, rejections that were painful at the moment, have actually worked out for the best; we realize how little attention people pay for the superficial details about us and we choose not to obsess so much over them like before. that’s how you gain back your power and start over the fight from a better perspective.

Turn your pain into a tool and DRAIN IT, your trauma into power and your problems into slightly better problems and this is the real progress. this is where you begin to feel better.. this is when life treats you better and gives you the best out of it.

• Hala Khaled

I’m tired..

I’m tired.I’m tired of people who are no longer there.

I’m tired of life that isn’t fair anymore.

I’m tired of music that keeps repeating over and over again until it became meaningless.

I’m tired of rereading the things that once made my world better, but i found out that this was only in my head and knowing that it will never come true.

I’m tired of love that became tasteless and not as it was before.

I’m tired of breathing that comes in and out of a lifeless body.

I’m tired of looking forward but still tripping over and over in the way.

I’m tired of thinking about how perfect it is to feel and get to know what everything is.. Knowing that it’s useless and brings me nothing but pain but, ignoring the feelings had become such a relief to me.

Well, nothing really matters anymore since everything is literally fading away taking parts and fly away.. Everything became as dark as a cave that has no end.. A fear of darkness that cab no longer reach a spot of light. It’s like walking barefooted on a rocky road, in a stinging cold weather alone in the dark.

No hope.. No one is there but you. just you, the road and the mystery your life holds.