Soulmate.

People meet each other every songle day some of them are friends, some are family and some are just random people.
But some people and to be more specific a male and female, doesn’t matter how old are they, meet each other.. and catch feelings for each other and they go through every songle beautiful phase of love and let me tell you; these phases are one of the bestvyet tiring and power abusing but you know what? Totally worth the fight.
They like each other at the beginning and then they start to get attracted, get attached, like each other, love each other, and then comes next the real responsibility and the real commitment of taking a life decision whether or not the other person is good enough to spend the rest of your life with or not.
You keep asking yourself, is that person worth it? Can I even imagine my life without that person? Am I better off without them?

And here my friend, is the problem, of you choose to stay just because you got used to this, is a problem.
If you know that this person is not the one, it is a problem and if you decided to just stick around cause you’re not ready for the reality that is waiting for you and will hit you any moment, that is a problem.
Because that’s not a good way, that’s not love and that’s not care. This is called selfishness cause that person is not the one and that person is not your person.
But,
If you choose to fight that’s great it means that you’re so into that person that you’d fight for and that you are willing to stand against the world for that person no mayter how hard things could get.
You chose your life companion and you found out that this person is the one who will carry you in the hard times, sit by you, gove you advice, care for you, watch your back, number one fan, you friend, your parent, your wife, girlfriend and everything.
You chose to go through the ups and downs together and you chose to have your life with them, you chose to hve fights and make up at some point and you also chose to love the imperfections.
You chose the person who understands you and feels you without even talking, someone who believes in you.. someone who is your soul mate.

– Hala Gomaa

LIFE?

Life. What a simple yet most sophisticated four letter word.

What does it mean anyways? What does this simple word mean.

It’s everything. Literally every single thing.

Life is happiness, excitements, crying, depression; life is everything but simple. Life is having your first kiss, experiencing your body, moments, hell, heaven, tasteless, tasteful,… and if we go on and on and on we will never get enough to explain what life is.

But you know what? Life is painful in every beautiful meaning of this word.

And yes believe me pain is beautiful depends on what you went through pain could be in giving a life.. pain is in beauty even laughing.

The thing is life is nothing without the people you love, family, companion, friends, or even spouses.

Life is an idea that we have to live by and you can go through hell and back and still like it. Why? Cause you want this because you have people who care for you and got your back no matter what.

But it grabbed my attention that people are not that important because they come and go and as soon as you get over it you’re going to replace them with new ones.

I always had a hole in my life that I felt could only be filled by people, but then I would feel most alone when I was with people. The loneliness caused me to feel insignificant, unsatisfied, depressed, and at times I had thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t find any solutions, but at the same time I feel the total opposite and proud of how far I have achieved. On my own.

Life is too short and painful I know but you learn how to survive, people will come in your way, people who would help.. and people wouldn’t.. the thing is, no one is here to sleep with you in bed for the sake of you being happy but also for the sale of their needs.

For great things never last. Be the one who loves you for you and nothing else.

No boyfriend, no friends, no husband,no mother, no father, or even sisters would last or stay woth you in your all down times. 

Learn how to live and just twist it your own way cause you’re the one who is charge of your life and dreams.

No one will do.. no one will last..

None.

• Hala Gomaa

I feel.. love.

Long long time ago I was young and I thought to myself, that’s enough for you my dear, love was never for you and you were never meant to be loved or be with someone.

When I was younger, I thought to myself that I have been through pretty much pain already and that was enough and life would never be the same anymore; that sooner or later I would give up on myself and just live the days till I die.. alone.

But I grew up, I grew up and I knew that life is more than just being in pain or going through pain even from the nearest people, that love is just more than a feeling and definitely more than just being together.

I grew up and I went through a disturbed teenage stage, and I went through tough times from ups and downs to whatever comes to your mind, but it hit me in the most delicate way that I now know I grew up and still growing up. I knew life is more than just problems and situations that made me feel bad about myself, and that I am more than just me.

I grew up and I feel different, look different, talk different.

I grew up and I found out that I could love again even though I lost hope.. I still have the fear of living alone and that I’ll never have a life companion.. but I have embraced it and for now I love the moment.

I found out that love isn’t just a word, a look, a feeling, a touch or even a kiss. I found out That love is a responsibility, a life, and that it’s more than just physical feeling. It’s more of two souls fitting together.. two souls becoming one.

I feel okay being loved and to love someone.

I feel okay giving love another chance.

I feel okay having someone by my side without being paranoid.

I feel okay living and giving. 

I feel.. Love.

• Hala K. Gomaa

Lost myself in the echos

Well, this one is a message for my soul, the soul I lost in the echos, lost in the dark.
A soul that gave everything it has for the love of family and the love of friends, the few people whom it tried to protect and love with every breath and energy it had.
This is me, I am the broken, the selfless, the ones who gave it all to protect her loved ones and the one who gave up everything for the people she cared about.
I am the one who, after losing everything I had, was left out at the end, the one people who ere supposed to be friends and family, claimed me as a harsh, selfish, and feelingless person.
I am the broken one.
I am the one who was left in tears feeling the disappointment and the let down.
I am the drained.
I am the one who doesn’t fee home when she’s home and I am the one who feels lonely in the crowd.
I am the black sheep.
I am the one who can’t feel tired just because I am seen as a strong harsh person.
I am the broken.
– Hala Gomaa

Random

“The desire to step out of myself for a while. A week, a day, an hour.. hell maybe just for a second”.. that was a sentence I read in a book before, and I felt very touched… I felt that I can relate t every letter the author wrote.

Hell! If I could only just step out of myself for real and see everything from another perspective, I guess I would find an answer to my weird questions.. I would find something to hold on to. I would even feel that there would be still hoping for me to see things differently and for once.. for once I would feel okay and alive one more time.

I know you won’t be able to fully understand or relate to what I’m saying or maybe you’d call me a weird person for the nonsense that is written but let me put it simply and understandably.

Imagine this with me:

We have two sides of this image the outer side that is very calm, happy, smiling, and being kind and friendly.. a side which anybody can see. A sugar coat for the inside.

On the other hand, there is the part that’s on the inside.. a side that is different than the outer side, a chained woman inside screaming her heart out. trying to escape but she can’t.. hell is on the inside, it’s a mixture. A mixture of fear, strength, weakness, pain, agony, hate, love, care.. everything and the total opposite.

Sometimes I’m tired and depressed to the extent that I’m too tired to breathe and that it’d be better if just left this world, step out of myself… other times I feel hyper and I wanna cheer the whole world up with me. and times, when I feel rage.. this uncontrollable rage that I think if I set it free and out of me, it would break the world into pieces or maybe kill people. My rage is my strength in a hulk.

Even though I wrote a bit about what’s going on with me. trying to explain and call for help.

But I guess it is not obvious. I guess that it’s all gone to waste. I feel tired and feel unloved. I feel like I am forced to live and I don’t want to.. I feel tired and no one can feel it.

This world would be a better place without me. this family would enjoy peace and happiness if I wasn’t around.. I feel tired and drained.

I feel like dying today.

-Hala Khaled Gomaa

Loneliness.. A Friend.

Loneliness.. this word used to creep me out, the idea of it used to make me feel blue because i kept wondering, how do people accept loneliness.. how can they possibly stand the feeling itself and some people said that loneliness is their comfort others said loneliness is what makes you strong and i could hardly believe that until i knew..

I knew that loneliness is the comfort after a long hard storm fighting.. i knew that loneliness is the best way to know yourself and give yourself the chance to rise and to become a better self.. i knew that loneliness is better than having so many people around you, breaking and using you and I have learned it the hard way, which kept me sizing my circle until it didn’t fit anyone, not even myself! And at this point, i felt lost

I narrowed my bubble, until I felt way better off without anyone and that I am enough.

But it doesn’t stop here, does it?

Actually this is the beginning of the endless journey of myself.. Emptiness at its finest, after a while of self-fulfillment I started feeling the hollowness and the cold emptiness inside.. it feels like cold November rain in my heart and the cold breeze of December in my bones and head.. it started eating me bit by bit in the slowest silent way possible.

That’s when I started wondering if what I did was right or wrong and if it’s wrong, would I be able to solve it or not and can I get back to normal and act like I had never left and this question brings me to the next until I feel lost wondering who to talk to or who to go to, or who will comfort me after everything that happened, or will they accept me even after I pushed away..

 I’ve changed a lot after being alone for sometime, but will they be able to understand my change and that when I needed my ‘alone time’? because I needed them.. I did, but I was too blinded by ego to ask them to stay.       I don’t know if anyone is going to comfort me anymore, I’m not even sure if I can comfort my self or not. i’ve been alone for so long. 

But I’m gonna try anyway… and guess what? I’ll over-think it, I’m gonna end up fucked up and my thoughts will eat me alive, and I’m gonna watch silently.

Cause I know I’ll end up needing someone or something that would fill this gap in, fit in the holes inside me but after giving chances and redoing what I promised myself that I won’t do again.. instead of filling the gaps and begin to create the comfort zone.. that someone brings you more emptiness and cold..

The more hollow you become.. the more you admire loneliness and appreciate it and yourself.

• Hala Khaled.

Random

There are times you feel like you’re on top of the world, other times you feel that you can’t even get off the floor, other when you feel normal, and some when you feel meaningless and ending up having existential crisis, and sometimes you feel nothing.. numb.

So, why is these random changes are always happening? that question has always been on my mind since I started growing up..

My guessing is, maybe life does that for us to learn somethings? or maybe to get stronger and know how to actually live.. but the question remains, why would life make us stronger by going through torture and unbearable pain? why would it make us stronger by  tearing us down, and brighten our future by showing us darkness? somehow I think that at the end of the day, it’s our choices that put us in this kind of situations, and basically, we’re making life to do so.

So here’s to everyone suffering out there and to myself too.. to the ones facing depression, the ones who are facing a breakdown and tired of life, and to the ones who got tired and powerless..

Those people whose opinion we cared about so much before are no longer present in our lives, rejections that were painful at the moment, have actually worked out for the best; we realize how little attention people pay for the superficial details about us and we choose not to obsess so much over them like before. that’s how you gain back your power and start over the fight from a better perspective.

Turn your pain into a tool and DRAIN IT, your trauma into power and your problems into slightly better problems and this is the real progress. this is where you begin to feel better.. this is when life treats you better and gives you the best out of it.

• Hala Khaled

Blossom and be proud of yourself.

we as humans try to prove to people, we’re bright and positive, we try to hide whatever we hold in our chests and on our shoulders because you know, look perfect and people will love you, is the thing now. they’re what matters the most, not us, not our feelings, not our lived but them and their impression towards us, it’s more of a competition to people who wins the most people.

to me, I tried this thing before, it didn’t feel right, and I have always been wondering how people live with this huge amount of lies and faking. the answer was always “nobody wants feel alone so we do that.” and the questions and wonderings remains and believe me it is overwhelming!. so, if you don’t wanna be alone get your checklist ready.. fake, check.. lies, check.. loads of makeup, check.. artificial feelings for attention and attraction, check…etc. and the list goes on and on.

honestly, I went through this before and it was perfect at the beginning but everything has an expiry date.. even friends.

life is all about phases, you get born, inhabit and learn, act, get through phases like this and that, change a lot and then you die.

everybody has loads and loads of different problems and traumas in their lives that they wish to let go of or die so they don’t want to remember.. and get through the pain all over again, so they bury it deep and act artificially to fulfill what’s lost by winning people’s admiration.

let yourselves be.. free yourselves from this prison you put yourself in because it’s eating you. Let it out, express yourself, write, play music, bring the child in you, run, scream, and live truly. go tell every person you trust and you got close to what happened, tell the people you’ve been always lying to, your truth and how you feel.

cause I know that it’s really hard to let someone in and see all the dark and twisty places you got inside, but I have also learned eventually that if you let yourself be, you would have hoped people to do the same. once you do that, you know that it’s the beginning of everything.. the beginning of your life.

keep blossoming and be proud of yourself.

 

Believe in yourself, no excuses

Everyone is born to be different, unique, and creative in their own way. Life is a creative method to be taught how to survive. It’s either you color it and draw whatever you want wherever you want and end ip with the most creative and unique one or you can just look right beside you, checking out what people doing and just copy them.. you know, take the advantage of saving your energy and wasting others thoughts. At this moment you become the dumbest person alive! Why? because everybody has his/her own thinking, way of living and they know their limits where to stop and where to start but you, on the other hand, you’re just copying. it’s like when they stop, you shall do so and when you start you should also do that just because they’re doing that thing in their own way NOT yours. After a while of wasting your life copying people, you’ll  regret every moment you’ve wasted while not living your moment. That’s how you become the dumbest person God alive.

Everybody has a purpose to live for, a dream to fight for, and principles to keep till time is up, and if you used them correctly you’ll have this strong, unique, smart and perfect personality of yours.. yours alone.

It’s that simple if you thought about it because you are actually building yourself by yourself nothing is easy but it’s worth it, it has always been. Believe in yourself and your life will be better with no copying included, believe in yourself with no excuses…

crawl and learn to fly because when you do, you’ll never fall down, you will keep flying high without any doubt of falling as long as you are the one who believes in yourself with no excuses. Make your life worth living for and make it worth reading as if it’s the greatest book ever written when it’s over, otherwise you will just fade like dust… Worthless.

• Hala Khaled

A generation that should be accepted…

We are the generation who has experienced the development of cultures, the evolution of human beings starting from manners and perspectives till the way of dressing up and how to react.

Yes! We are the generation who tried to inhabit living in whatever situation we are in, we took responsibilities in early stages, learned how to depend on ourselves and deal with problems, learned how to fall and get ourselves up by ourselves… we know how other people think, we are brilliant if we took the chance to let it out we can do everything because we went through everything, we have been through difficulties, pain, wounds..

but that’s not it, we learned how to solve them, stitch our wounds by ourselves and go through the pain that was once unbearable but now we know that we have to live with it. We are a generation who truly love and truly hate, no in between because we never knew how fake it.

we are strong enough to express ourselves and say NO to the unacceptable.

We can’t be tamed because we were raised that in freedom we believe, we can’t be chained because we’re raised to achieve and learn how to make the dreams come true. We make our lives from scratch with a little push and motivation from others and ourselves and we learned to inhabit the situation and learn from it.

We are the generation that faced its ups and downs alone. We’re living to be great leaders and humans, to be acceptable, successful and in great positions in the future. We are the generation whose parents are pushing is to hold our backs and give us the help and care we need.

We learned how to be thankful, how to be strong, how to respect one another and most importantly how to respect ourselves. We learned to take the heavy weight and go on, how see the beauty in simplicity.

We are the generation you call stupid, bunch of losers and whatsoever… but it’s okay because we accept whatever you say because you say what you want to say but after all, words aren’t that useful when it’s compared to actions. We are the builders of the future and will be the teachers and leaders of your children someday… so please, don’t underestimate our powers as a generation, a generation that can rule the world if they had the chance .

Respect us with our differences and we will definitely respect you.

now or never.

“This is my moment, I have to do it… I just have to, because it’s now or never” those were the last words I said to myself just before I exploded… I have been holding on for so long, now that I have no more energy or power to hold on anything else, I had to let go of everything else that I’ve beeb holding for so long … things that I needed to cut of long time ago. I needed to be more powerful and I needed to be stronger so I can carry on and get back on track as I always did. So I thought of letting everything out… which was something I should have done earlier.

The explosion was never meant to show weakness but an explosion, shows how strong and powerful you are, how long you’ve been holding on and how hard and tiring it was for you to hold such heavy load on your shoulders and still the perfect smile is still drawn on this beautiful face of yours.

You’re still strong, still holding on and carrying other people with you. This moment is the perfect moment to take the chance to give yourself a break. It’s a moment that only comes every now and them.

So, scream, shout, curse and take all your time in the world for grief, do everything possible and all it takes to feel better and to break your rage… is to set yourself free.

Life bubbles..

    

    I’ve always seen life as a bubble, a very own private bubble, a bubble that is very quiet, peaceful, sensitive and untouched .

A bubble that is called The Comfort Zone where people have the chance to take their time to know themselves; a bubble that is created by them and changes with their mood swings as if it is the only place where they can drop the mask..

They cry, laugh, dance, jump or even do whatever they want to do because no one can see, judge or intrude.
it’s always perfect when you’re all alone in this place until the time comes when you truly love someone so much that you let them share your own bubble, your very private place where you stand undisguised neither of the fake smile nor the good clothes that hide your scars can ever affect the true feelings. you just stand there naked in front of them and then the moment comes when they get to the end of it and leave; in this moment your bubble starts crash and collapse. You promised yourself that you will never let anyone in because of the breakdown that you went through… but you know that you’ll never learn.
This is life though..

you love, you get hurt, then you hurt people because of the insecurities that has been increasing but to the wrong person, just because you think that everybody is the same.. everybody’s gonna hurt you.

You have to know that life is a cycle that never ends a cycle where everyone has to get hurt, that everyone has to learn the lessons the hard way. You don’t get to choose or think, you have to always be on set and ready for any lesson that comes in your way.

Hala Khaled Gomaa